Guilt

One of my favorite people is Kerri. If you read her blog or follow her Twitter or IG feed, you can get her sweetness right away. I mean, even though I'm not the same as her in many regards, I admire the sincerity and honesty with which she puts herself out there ... especially in regards to raising her cutie pie young daughter, Eisley.

Anyway, I saw a photo and caption on her IG feed yesterday where she said that for some reason, sitting down with a book makes her feel guilty most days ...

This made me think of when my kids were little. I used to also feel guilt when I sat down to read. Because I always felt that I should be doing something more productive ... like washing dishes, or doing the laundry, or organizing my kids' sock drawers.

It was only when I told myself that reading in front of my children was the best way to model good reading habits that I felt the guilt start to go away a little. Isn't that funny? Like only when there's a utilitarian value that young moms can associate with something they enjoy doing can they finally allow themselves to do what they enjoy without feeling guilt.

Kids grow up, times change, but guilt remains ... but guilt has a way of finding a new focus. These days, I frequently feel guilt when I paint.

And today, I was feeling ten times the normal amount of guilt because I was painting during the day time. Usually, I paint at night. I guess I was feeling that during normal business hours, I ought to be doing more office-like things ... like being chained to my chair working on the computer on computer-related stuff. It felt like I was doing something way too indulgent as I put paint on canvas, on wood, and on paper. Everything felt rather stiff because of the guilt and I had a tough time relaxing and letting myself enjoy the process. I may have enjoyed it a bit more if there were a way to flog myself while painting so that I could make sure that I wasn't enjoying it too much. Haha.

The only way I could quiet the guilt down was to repeatedly tell myself that I was painting to prepare for my upcoming class. A utilitarian association.

I think women experience more guilt about the way we spend our time than men.

I think we women feel guilty when we take time out for ourselves.

I think we women feel we are neglecting people who need us when we do things that feel fulfilling to us ... like reading or painting or knitting or visiting with a friend.

I wonder about the past 10 years. How would it have felt if I could have lived it just as I did but without the guilt? To read without guilt. To paint without guilt. To crochet and knit without guilt. I mean I did all those things but I did most of those things with guilt.

I wonder.

And I wonder what I can do to live the next 10 without feeling guilt when I find myself doing things I enjoy doing. How do I kill the guilt? How?

I wonder.

Comments

[pam]

just ran across this, seems very relevant ;)
http://lovelife.typepad.com/my_weblog/2013/08/the-benefits-of-bad-news.html

[Jen@thecottagenest]

I want to figure this out too! I'm determined to not spend the next 42 years feeling guilty. I think you are dead on about men not feeling the guilt. I know that's the case with my husband while I feel guilty about something all the time it seems and feel the need to justify my pleasures in life. That's just sad!