Redemption

Sweet and loyal Scout has been watching me go through grief. MY grief.

He's seen my crying subside for a while and then start back up as it unleashes like a tsunami ... walking through the house in a fog ... wondering how I will connect with Jinil's high school friend Jay, and then trying to rack my brain to try and remember Jinil's college roommates' last names. Michael ... Michael ... Ed ... and then springing up in the middle of the night as I remember ... "Rosa!" That's one of the last names!

I wonder what Scout thinks about it all. I wonder if he is going through a bit of grieving too.

And the day goes on and I'm in Starbucks and my phone rings. It's Jay. It felt good to be sad together and to remember together and to be able to say "thanks for having been so good to my brother" as I recalled a vivid memory from high school when Jinil ran for student body president. I knew from the get-go that his opponent had it in the bag. Jinil was definitely the underdog. I tried to do my part by putting his posters up here and there. On the day of the election, before Jinil made his speech in front of the entire student body, Jay (the football playing scholar) stood up to make a speech and urged everyone to vote for Jinil because Jinil was the candidate with the right ideas. Jinil did not win the election. And Jay still stood by his side throughout high school and beyond.

Scout-like loyalty.Tomorrow I will see Therapist for the second time this week. The first time was yesterday ... an extra emergency session I requested where Therapist said wise things that I know to be true ... which is to let all the tears and feelings flow out ... and to make sure that I allow mysel to grieve the way I need to grieve ... which includes reaching out to those who loved Jinil. Each memory that I get to hear reminds me that Jinil was deeply loved. And sometimes, when the memories conjure laughter, I think that maybe soon I'll be able to wake up with a smile from all the good memories, knowing that the tears are always nearby ... but perhaps eventually nearby not like a tsunami but like beautiful drops of rain.

(photo by Jinil Doh)

A private ceremony will take place to say farewell to Jinil with just the immediate family later this month. A slideshow with photos from family and friends will be prepared to celebrate his life and shared here. If you are a friend who would like to send photos to be included in the slideshow, please send them to me digitally at [email protected] Love.

Seeking to forget makes exile all the longer;
the secret of redemption lies in remembrance.

{Richard von Weizsaecker}

 

Comments

[Glenda Hoagland]

Sending you love Jenny.

[Marylinn Kelly]

"The secret to redemption lies in remembrance." True and beautiful words for all that life sends our way. Love and wisdom, if it is mine to send. The heart is a vessel equal to any storm. xo Marylinn

[Pat (Huber) Graffius]

Dear Jenny,
ALL of your family is in my thoughts and prayers to all. Jim and I met so many on our trip to Korea ahead of going the next year with our church choir. We loved our stay at Chungsam's aunt and uncle's home and the fabulous birthday dinner they put on for me the day we arrived.
Your family is very dear to me; so many memories, too many to enumerate. Thank you for the photos you've been sending and I look forward to the ones from his service.
Much love,

Pat

[Becky Shander]

I'm so sorry for your loss Jenny. Please be gentle with yourself during this most tender time.

[Nancy Dare]

A truly heart breaking time for you...my thoughts & prayers are with you

[Elizabeth C.]

I am so very sorry that you are having to experience the death of your brother. You honor us all and your brother too by sharing it. That is what most traditions do at times like these--you share with your community, and they support you.

[Jane Jennings]

Jenny, my heart breaks for you, I lost my Sister at the end of August. I know your pain too well.
My prayers are with you.
Janey

[Kimberlee Kingsbury Eggers]

Jenny, I just learned of Jinil's death today. I watched the tribute to him on youtube, and cried and cried. I loved your brother. While we had lost touch since high school, he was someone with whom I held the highest regard. He made me laugh, he challenged me, heck, he coached me in powder puff football--I will never forget him.

Wishing all of the Dohs the best.