Breakdown

I rode the final wave of my recent birthday by celebrating with my friends Pam and Amy last night.  Conversations about art, more art, and then more art still. Conversations that could keep going on and on if we only had the time. Pam took this photo of me admiring the handlettered gift wrap she made. As I unfolded it and saw what it said, it warmed my heart. What a life season it's been these last few months.

Pam pointed out that I look deeply happy in this photo and I replied that yes, I feel that more than ever, as I feel a sense of fulfillment and peace to just go with life's flow and art's flow and ride whatever wave that comes my way. It made me recall early convos with my therapist months ago when I started with him. He had asked me what I wanted and I had told him that I wanted to feel fulfilled but not at the expense of my passion and fire for life. Even if that meant that I'd have to live with some degree of torment and melancholy.

Going with life's flow I think involves a complete breakdown at times. Like when my brother passed this past Thanksgiving. From the moment I found out to now, I know one thing for sure. I just let myself feel it all. No holding back. Completely broken. Completely shattered.

And I allowed art to take me over with complete inhibition. Every part of me. It is truly what saved me and breathed in me a newfound strength and wisdom.

I've become less afraid of complete breakdowns. Because when it's completely so, that's when I get to see and feel what there is to see and feel and understand ... and then breathe again, deeper than before.

Comments

[Ella]

I admire your honesty to share with us-this is how grief should be handled. I watched a movie recently and a man said we don't break down when someone dies. Funerals in other countries-people sob openly, collapse and fold into a ball. We play the stoic clone.

You remind me of how I act in public when I am happy. I smile and am open, excited about the world. Other people stare at me like I am odd-death does this-we have to live for those who are not here, be more passionate, be more open, and embrace our days-because one never knows...

Thank you Jenny for being the boat! I think I might be a kite. Sometimes my words get tangled, but I keep on trying to find my way to soar. I wave to those below and above me and remind myself the window is crystal clear-love and being present. We need to fully embrace life and we will see what matters most!

YOU do look very happy!

[debra]

I have learned so much from you Jenny. The biggest thing for me- I find is that when my life is tumbling down- as it does often- that is when I find more of a drawing in to create. Many times I don't even know what it is. I sit down and push it away many times. Get up and walk away only to be pulled back. When I allow myself to even just draw something small in my private journal- something straight from my heart- that release is amazing.